"One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." – Robert Firth
"I wouldn't touch ActiveX with a 10-foot polecat. I might, however, let one loose on the developers." – firstname.lastname@example.org
"In the beginning there was nothing… then there was EXCEL 97… Hmm… Okay, before that there were some other versions of Excel… and some nachos. But nothing else… and Excel 97 did calceth thy numbers and it hath plotteth thy data… And lo, it was draggeth-and-droppethed into thy lesser applications… And this was good and the world was at peace and stuff." – Excel 97 Hidden Credits
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either. – Marvin Minsky
"The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to initialize because of the following error: The operation completed successfully." – Windows NT Server v3.51
"Interestingly, most Unix utilities have a command line option which will cause the system to rip the user's legs off and beat them to death with the soggy ends. This is often the default behaviour." – Bruce Murphy
"You have a virus. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Now erasing all disks… Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha P.S. Have a nice day Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha (Click to continue…)" – Macintosh CODE 252 Virus
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining, or testing your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
- Dave Carhart
And my all time favorite…
"I'm convinced that, if you could decode the 'unused' bits of our DNA, they'd read:
This is a test, please ignore
The Elder Ones make no warranty of any kind with regard to this material, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties or merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose" – Malcolm Ray
"Documentation is like sex; when it's good, it's very, very good, and when it's bad, it's better than nothing." – Dick Brandon
There's also the "Real Programmers" jokes, eg:
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with weak minds.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Sleep? Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine? - Trillen to Tawnos at 1:30AM
Tawnos says: wouldn't it be wierd if we were just one large computer program, and god was up there and one of his angels said 'Yeah, Bob Sorenson died for no reason' and god replies, 'Check the logs.' And deja vu can be related to copyovers :P
Trillen: I was at my grandmother's house to eat lunch, and actually SAID 'emote is hungry.'
Carissa: …If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
(OOC) Koensayr is getting bored (OOC) Tawnos thought that said getting boned
Ye Newer SW:DN Quotes
Zenn stands and says, 'Hi, I'm Zenn, and I'm a mud addict.' Ramzi stands and says, 'Hi, I'm Ramzi, and I'm a mud addict.' Zenn tells Ramzi that he is addicted to his love Zenn says in a holy voice, '…' Zenn says in a holy voice, 'oops'
[Admin] Brom: yea… caius is a kick ass coder [Admin] Caius: Hehe. I wonder whose ass I'm kicking. [Admin] Zenn: LOL (Brom didn't realize Caius had the Admin channel)
(Freq: 833.791) (Jorin): I am interested in having my aptetude in the force tested. Does anyone know where one would do such a thing? Or even if it can be done? (-IMM-)(-OOC-) Zenn: … (-OOC-) Kane: Rofl (Freq: 237.731) (Zak): You are denied. (Freq: 833.791) (Jorin): Your mom's denied! (Freq: 833.791) (Ludwig): I believe you have mah bucket… (It shows the names only for imms. One of my immmortals [Ludwig] chimed in at the end there)
[IMM](OOC) Zenn: Immtest is..was my test imm [IMM](OOC) Zenn: I used him as a guinea pig [IMM](OOC) Crunch: That's what mortals are for -_-