Dear Doctor Rude,
  
        I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
        explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
  
               1. Aristotelian kiss
               2. Hegelian kiss
               3. Wittgensteinian kiss
               4. Godelian kiss
  
        Signed,
          Flummoxed in Florida
  
  
  Dear Flummoxed,
  
  That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
  secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get
  exposed
  to the classics in this field any more.  I'll try to make a brief but clear
  summary of some of these important types of kisses:
  
  
  Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
       from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
       by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
  
  Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
       its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
  
  Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is
       that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
       representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which
       must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
       obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
       similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
       the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
       unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
       thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
  
  Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
       leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
  
  
  Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other
  classic kisses:
  
  
  Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be
       the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,
       compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
       around a lot more and cover more ground.
  
  Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
       performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
       actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
       the best kiss you've ever given or received.
  
  Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
       transform you but ends up just bugging you.
  
  Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
       though it really doesn't matter anyway.
  
  Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and
       tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
       though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
  
  Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
  
  Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
       and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
       that others would find out about them and start using them.
  
  Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
       "I think, therefore, I aim."  In general, a kiss does not count as
       Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
       that one has been kissed.  (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
       movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
       overall.)
  
  Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the
       less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
       more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted.  Extreme
       versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because
       the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if
       you were kissed or not.  Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
       that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
       them.
  
  Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
       stronger."
  
  Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
  
  Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
       would not kiss him or her.
  
  Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.
  
  Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
       actually touch.
  
  Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
       that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,
       especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
       lips.
  
  
  Doctor Rude
  
  
  Then there is the Australian Kiss, it's the same as a French kiss
  except "down under."